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Jul. 5th, 2006 | 10:09 am
mood: emotionless emotionless

so i leave for new york tomorrow.... scared... really scared.... havent been on a plane since i was 5... yeah... so u get the point... everybody tells me its going to be fine... i know... but im still scared...

my birthday... lets see... got no cake... chilled with lana and jazmin... they spent the nite... den me and lana decided to be lazy asses and sit around the couch watching hsm and singing along with it... yeah i got alana hooked... its amazing... then on myspace... i was so happy i got like a shitload of comments and i thought everybody would just let it pass by... but its cool... =)

last nite... oh god... *shakes head* me and miguel are broken up officially... im not going to take his crap anymore... i may seem and act dumb but in reality i guess im book smart?? *shrugs* i have 4 AP course and if you want to count pre cal as AP then 5. then im co-captain/ captain... or whatever u want to call it of colorguard... and i dont need someone on my ass 24/7 about stupid shit... i love miguel... i really do... ive given him my all... but i cant take it... i have major goals in my life... and im not going to let someone who doesnt even want to be someone bring me down (sorrie if that doesn't make any sense)... so we're "just friends"... doubt that we'll stay friends for long... becuz we are just to far apart now... i guess i kinda saw it coming... but i was so scared becuz i was emotionless last night when all this happened... and i still am... i dunno if i should be happy, sad, crying, angry... confused... but whatever...

but yeah.... ummm my dad bitched at me last night about the usual... he doesn't want me to wear the type of clothes i wear to new york... he wants a fucking perfect family... or at least to appear that we are... in other words he called me a fucking whore and a few more things... like i said once again i was emotionless...

i feel like ive really been sucked dry of all my emotions becuz people take advantage that i never stick up for myself when i truly care... even my brother has pointed this out to me... he says that to strangers and people i dont know... i tell them off and i dont take their crap... but when it comes to people i care about i let them walk all over me... i dunno... so much has happened that im not really sure whats what anymore (if that made any sense again)... and i just dont want to hurt those i love so i stay quiet and bottle up my emotions until alana or kathleen have to pick me back up and put me back on my feet...

i realized the other days that i'm still hurting from when miguel cheated on me... it was fucking christmas and he says he has no excuse for what he did... but he really hurted me... and like a dumbass i took him back thinking that he will change... he has changed... but i did too... im not the same person i was back in december who trusted everybody i met and thought that no one would cause me harm... i never did shit to miguel... on the contrary... and i dont think i deserved that... i really dont... i sat at home on christmas day crying my eyes out... ON CHRISTMAS!!... and the only person that talked to me was my brother ivan because he was in the same situation... out of all people... my brother was the one that was there for me and was trying to not let me go through what he went through... my dad didnt notice i was going through a depression... my mom did and i wouldnt even eat when she served me food... she couldn't really help me that much because i wouldnt talk... i would sit there and cry... and alex wouldn't even try to because he had no advice... on the other hand... he is the one going out there and cheating on people... i never knew how much pain ivan went through until i felt the same pain too... but i bet his was deeper because he was in that relationship for 4 years and she cheated on him with his best friend... i dunno if ill ever be completely healed or if i will still be hurting years to come... i really thought i was over it... and i still cry about it... sounds really really dumb... i dunno...

but i think i've written enough... kat influenced me to do so with her post... =)

Comments {2}

Kathleen (or Kathy)

From: shownemotion
Date: Jul. 5th, 2006 02:41 pm (UTC)

Heh, glad to know I'm such a big influence on you =P

You know I always have your back, you're like the little sister I never had! I love you!!

As for all the shit Miguel put you through, I'm really sorry that that all happened. You know you deserve better. You know that I pretty much hated him after he cheated on you and that I was kinda mad that you took him back after all of that. I hope I don't offend you or anything when I say this, but I'm kinda glad you guys broke up. After all the crap you put up with for him and the way he treated you (from what you told me) I think it's better that you guys go your seperate ways.

Anyways, I'm definitely looking forward to tonight. We need a girls day out. Who knows, if I have enough money, I might even let you get some clothes =P

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From: sweetnenaangel
Date: Jul. 5th, 2006 03:19 pm (UTC)

Lol... of course!!

Thanks... Only because you have to... Lol... but I LOVE YOU TOO!!!

I kinda thought so. And no offense taken. Even Alana was saying the same as you. Nobody has thought of him the same ever since.

YAY ME!!!!!!!

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