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Apr. 30th, 2006 | 12:31 am
location: Home
mood: crushed crushed
music: Nada, not in the mood for music....

So I just came back from my friends awesome Sweet Sixteen Party... There were dance offs and just a lot of booty dancing, as I call grinding up on each other like there is no tomorrow... lol... naw but i had a good time.... then i dunno i just suddenly became depressed about nothing. Ummm, it was mainly the fact that I have so many friends but I only have 3 best friends, technically 2. That's what sucks. One of my best friends, or should I say ex best friend well I knew her for 8 years i think, well since 3rd. I thought of her like my sister and everything--- I guess I thought wrong. I just can't seem to get over that fact so easily. I dunno, just loosin a friendship based on 8 years of memories is not so easy to let go. For the past 3 months I've been putting on fake smiles and acting like nothing is wrong. The only person who truly knows what is happening is my best friend alana. Nothing feels right anymore. I feel like i have so many people who know me, want to be my friend, want to hang with me... yet at the same time I feel alone, like I'm unhappy, i feel like those who I'm close to in reality just want to push me away, like if i was annoying them or like i had a disease. I find myself looking for solitude from everyone but at the same time looking for people to surround me all the time. Lately my biggest fear has been to be alone. I can't stand being alone, it scares me. So many things happen in this world everyday. I'm just trying to live my life but lately I've been living other peoples lifes... what they want me to do, how they want me to act, what they want me to say. I know its dumb. Everything I'm saying right at this second contradicts everything. I know. But that's how I feel, i feel confused. It's really hard to let this grudge go because it hurts me, it feels like unfinished business because the person is so naive that they do not even know that what they did hurt me so much in reality and they think that it was ok. That i'm fine. But I can't even confront the person without being labeled as the bad guy in this situation. I don't even know what to do. And if they know what's going on they have not cared enoguh to make the effort in trying to fix what they did. But anywayz, I'm always the bad guy, I always end up loosing. I'm tired, so tired of just putting myself out there... for what... really why do i do that? I know what the end result is going to be... Me crying over something... Sorry if this is annoying you by reading this, if you think i'm whining... But i just needed to let it out. I can't hold what I feel anymore. And this is how I've felt for the past 3 months....

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