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Dec. 6th, 2006 | 02:53 pm

PICTURES!!! YAY!!!Collapse )

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(no subject)

Sep. 11th, 2006 | 09:06 pm

man i havent posted in forever.... lol.... ohhh well the rp closed... and i was just having time to rp finally... ohh well things happen... guard is there... not to much fun... the girls always disrespect me and all i can do is ignore them and move on.... becuz im not allowed to discipline them. Oh well whatever... school is wooping my ass.... pre- cal is my hardest class... but thats as interesting as my life has gotten so far.

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(no subject)

Jul. 5th, 2006 | 10:09 am
mood: emotionless emotionless

so i leave for new york tomorrow.... scared... really scared.... havent been on a plane since i was 5... yeah... so u get the point... everybody tells me its going to be fine... i know... but im still scared...

my birthday... lets see... got no cake... chilled with lana and jazmin... they spent the nite... den me and lana decided to be lazy asses and sit around the couch watching hsm and singing along with it... yeah i got alana hooked... its amazing... then on myspace... i was so happy i got like a shitload of comments and i thought everybody would just let it pass by... but its cool... =)

last nite... oh god... *shakes head* me and miguel are broken up officially... im not going to take his crap anymore... i may seem and act dumb but in reality i guess im book smart?? *shrugs* i have 4 AP course and if you want to count pre cal as AP then 5. then im co-captain/ captain... or whatever u want to call it of colorguard... and i dont need someone on my ass 24/7 about stupid shit... i love miguel... i really do... ive given him my all... but i cant take it... i have major goals in my life... and im not going to let someone who doesnt even want to be someone bring me down (sorrie if that doesn't make any sense)... so we're "just friends"... doubt that we'll stay friends for long... becuz we are just to far apart now... i guess i kinda saw it coming... but i was so scared becuz i was emotionless last night when all this happened... and i still am... i dunno if i should be happy, sad, crying, angry... confused... but whatever...

but yeah.... ummm my dad bitched at me last night about the usual... he doesn't want me to wear the type of clothes i wear to new york... he wants a fucking perfect family... or at least to appear that we are... in other words he called me a fucking whore and a few more things... like i said once again i was emotionless...

i feel like ive really been sucked dry of all my emotions becuz people take advantage that i never stick up for myself when i truly care... even my brother has pointed this out to me... he says that to strangers and people i dont know... i tell them off and i dont take their crap... but when it comes to people i care about i let them walk all over me... i dunno... so much has happened that im not really sure whats what anymore (if that made any sense again)... and i just dont want to hurt those i love so i stay quiet and bottle up my emotions until alana or kathleen have to pick me back up and put me back on my feet...

i realized the other days that i'm still hurting from when miguel cheated on me... it was fucking christmas and he says he has no excuse for what he did... but he really hurted me... and like a dumbass i took him back thinking that he will change... he has changed... but i did too... im not the same person i was back in december who trusted everybody i met and thought that no one would cause me harm... i never did shit to miguel... on the contrary... and i dont think i deserved that... i really dont... i sat at home on christmas day crying my eyes out... ON CHRISTMAS!!... and the only person that talked to me was my brother ivan because he was in the same situation... out of all people... my brother was the one that was there for me and was trying to not let me go through what he went through... my dad didnt notice i was going through a depression... my mom did and i wouldnt even eat when she served me food... she couldn't really help me that much because i wouldnt talk... i would sit there and cry... and alex wouldn't even try to because he had no advice... on the other hand... he is the one going out there and cheating on people... i never knew how much pain ivan went through until i felt the same pain too... but i bet his was deeper because he was in that relationship for 4 years and she cheated on him with his best friend... i dunno if ill ever be completely healed or if i will still be hurting years to come... i really thought i was over it... and i still cry about it... sounds really really dumb... i dunno...

but i think i've written enough... kat influenced me to do so with her post... =)

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birthday....

Jun. 24th, 2006 | 07:08 pm
mood: dirty dirty

so yeah my birthday is on the 29th... i have 5 days left... and nobody has mentioned my b-day... besides kathy because today is the last day i got to chill with her until sunday... of next week... den yeah... but everybody is out of town...and that means people forget about me... but anyways... thats not important... if people forget then they do... but one year even my own mom forgot it was my birthday... anyways... i havent done much besides spend 7 hours teaching chels chels the routine... nice... now im beat... and im trying to wait to see if anyone doesnt have a life and gets on the rp... j/k... but anyways... that's as interesting as it's gotten...

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(no subject)

Jun. 14th, 2006 | 10:43 am
mood: cold cold

leave your name and:
1. i'll respond with something random about you
2. i'll challenge you to try something
3. i'll pick a color that I associate with you
4. i'll tell you something I like about you
5. i'll tell you my first/clearest memory of you
6. i'll tell you what animal you remind me of
7. i'll ask you something I've always wanted to ask you
8. if I do this for you, you must post this on yours

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(no subject)

Jun. 13th, 2006 | 09:22 am
mood: hyper hyper

yesterday was pretty bad... i had a racist redneck make me feel so horrible. I was so mad and I didn't even say anything back at her becuz she was old. Yeah I know some of you will be like I would have still said something but out of respect I kept my mouth shut. I was mad and then I got uber depressed because of what she said... she was all like (i dont remember in the exact words... i told kat... cuz it was yesterday and i wasn't into remembering everything but pretty much she was like:) you fucking filthy hispanic whore, you shouldn't even be allowed to shop here. I was like wtf is her fucking problem. Her mom looked so embarassed... and it was even more stupider the reason she did that... it was because this man, (black) he let us go infront of him while he went to go get a few things that he forgot... then he was like you guys can get infront... ill be right back can u watch my cart and move it with you... and we (me and madre de lee) were like yes... and den we where in line and when it was our turn to pay u know i moved his cart with us... and den this lady (stupid ass fucking redneck lady!!) came and that's when she become all BLAH!! on us... she said that she doesn't fucking care that we were holding his place... that he is holding up the line (ummm there was noone behind us...) and that she is with her mother and that they've been waiting in another line pretty long... (that was the nice version of it... fucking hillbilly used some really bad words)... then the dude came and i felt so bad... it made me feel ten times worse... i was like sorry... then she got all racist on him... i was like im never going shopping here again... not if it means i have to be publicly insulted by a racist bitch just to get my clothes... hell to the fuck no... i felt like telling her my brothers lil favorite phrase... "go to hell and fuck the devil bitch!"... ok... that out of my system... then i went to the mall... it got better, i bought some clothes... and they are really cute... im really excited to leave for ny... i know i've prolly said that like ten million times but hey i am... i already kinda packed my bag... ummmm well i have like 20 outfits for just 10 days and i dont know where imma fit my shoes because i have 5 pajamas... and of course my undies... Lol... i dunno why that's so funny... but it is... so that just leaves make-up which is going with me on the plane... i dont want them breaking anything (them as in the people who tend to throw the luggage on the plane even though they are not suppose to and if it says fragile do not throw they still tend to throw it... yeah those people)... ohhhh i got a hello kitty babi blue backpack (u know those lil kiddie backpacks... lol) yeah... well i got one of those just to put (here comes the list:) make-up, dvd's, dvd player, cd player, my version of my brothers bible (my brother calls his cd case and cds his bible) and books... ummm whatever else i can think of to go in there... but chyeah... i think i've entertained u enough reading my list of things... sooo chyeah... ohhh before i leave... i wanted to mention that i have my first wisdom tooth coming in... it hurts like a bitch but chyea... enough whining... cuz that's all i ever write about... wait i just talked about new york... i dont think that was whining... anyways, im mucho hyper cuz i drank practically a whole bottle of coke (one of those big ones... i dunno how many ounces or liters it is) vague enough i know... but chyeah... im off now to do... something... somewhere... maybe... i dunno... ill see... peace and chicken grease yo!

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(no subject)

Jun. 9th, 2006 | 06:07 pm
mood: blah blah

Tired mucho... I woke up... Killa headache. I was sleeping all day. Then watched my spanish soap operas... yeah i do watch spanish soap operas considering that i am spanish. Can't stand american ones... they take forever and ages... and they still dont end... but i guess thats the point... *shrugs* My coach called today... im suppose to set up an meeting with all three co-captains... and of course im one of them... lol... but he called me first which made me feel mucho special... anyways... had no food.... made hot pockets... burned my lip with the cheese... hurts like bitches... ummm... lemme see... started packing for ny... ummmm.... fought with my mom about not having enough clothes... the woman wants me to take shitty clothes and then says thats the fashion up there... omg... i have better sense of fashion than that... for wut to go up there looking like i just came out of the gym and have them make fun of me... *fake laughs* no thank you... at least my sense of fashion isnt that bad... ummm found out i have paños... dunno what its called in english... no its not something dat i can die from or something that is catchable... its just things that you get when you get to much sun and then u have little spots on your body that are lighter than the other... sooo i had to put this med on that means that i cant leave the house until its night because the sun is not allowed to hit my skin until it clears up completely... doesnt that suck.... i have to become a freaking vampire and go into hibernation until further notice... i already shared that story with kat... anyways... i have nothing else to do sooo im going to go play diner dash dos... becuz it looks mucho interesting!!

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bored...

Jun. 6th, 2006 | 12:33 pm

oh man! I'm sooo out of it. I really should get started on my AP Packet but, blah!! I can't think, I don't want to think at least. I just want to bum it out. But no... Ms. Hansen has to go and give out homework over the SUMMER!! WHAT IS SHE THINKING! That we actually have time to waste doing her homework. And ontop of that I have to read two books for AP English. Yippee! THis is sooo much fun... syke! SOunds like I'm whning much, I just really don't want to do it. And my parents won't get off my ass until I do :'(... Not fair much! But on the upside... I'm leaving for New York in exactly one week. I'm excited yet nervous. My dad is probably going to bitch at me about the clothes I choose to wear. Man, I get so tired of him sometimes. He wants to lock me up in a little fucking glass box and put a cover over it so nobody will see me. So suffocating sometimes. He wants to mold me into somebody I'M NOT!! THIS IS ME!! FUCKING DEAL WITH IT DAMN IT!! I wish I could actually say that to his face. But anyways... besides all that... I'm waiting til 8 so I can watch Catch That Kid just because it has Corbin Bleu in it. ♥Fine ass motha floppa♥ Lol... It's all Kats fault *points finger at Kat* She got me hooked real bad on HSM... lol... Anyways... I'm off... maybe to go work on that stupid homework... maybe...

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friends...

Apr. 30th, 2006 | 12:31 am
location: Home
mood: crushed crushed
music: Nada, not in the mood for music....

So I just came back from my friends awesome Sweet Sixteen Party... There were dance offs and just a lot of booty dancing, as I call grinding up on each other like there is no tomorrow... lol... naw but i had a good time.... then i dunno i just suddenly became depressed about nothing. Ummm, it was mainly the fact that I have so many friends but I only have 3 best friends, technically 2. That's what sucks. One of my best friends, or should I say ex best friend well I knew her for 8 years i think, well since 3rd. I thought of her like my sister and everything--- I guess I thought wrong. I just can't seem to get over that fact so easily. I dunno, just loosin a friendship based on 8 years of memories is not so easy to let go. For the past 3 months I've been putting on fake smiles and acting like nothing is wrong. The only person who truly knows what is happening is my best friend alana. Nothing feels right anymore. I feel like i have so many people who know me, want to be my friend, want to hang with me... yet at the same time I feel alone, like I'm unhappy, i feel like those who I'm close to in reality just want to push me away, like if i was annoying them or like i had a disease. I find myself looking for solitude from everyone but at the same time looking for people to surround me all the time. Lately my biggest fear has been to be alone. I can't stand being alone, it scares me. So many things happen in this world everyday. I'm just trying to live my life but lately I've been living other peoples lifes... what they want me to do, how they want me to act, what they want me to say. I know its dumb. Everything I'm saying right at this second contradicts everything. I know. But that's how I feel, i feel confused. It's really hard to let this grudge go because it hurts me, it feels like unfinished business because the person is so naive that they do not even know that what they did hurt me so much in reality and they think that it was ok. That i'm fine. But I can't even confront the person without being labeled as the bad guy in this situation. I don't even know what to do. And if they know what's going on they have not cared enoguh to make the effort in trying to fix what they did. But anywayz, I'm always the bad guy, I always end up loosing. I'm tired, so tired of just putting myself out there... for what... really why do i do that? I know what the end result is going to be... Me crying over something... Sorry if this is annoying you by reading this, if you think i'm whining... But i just needed to let it out. I can't hold what I feel anymore. And this is how I've felt for the past 3 months....

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life...

Apr. 24th, 2006 | 05:57 pm
location: home
mood: depressed depressed

ok... so yesterday i was bragging about my boyfriend and all... but shit happens... sooo today was a pretty bad day... i mean there were moments i wish i could turn back time and make them not happen... but that's the way life is... ummm i haven't broken up with miguel but im getting soo tired of crying everyday because of how many times we fight... i use to be a girl who simply got hurt so much that i just didn't give a shit what guys did to me because it hurt but in the end i got my revenge... then came miguel... life is funny huh...? everything he does and says affects me 100% and i don't even think he realizes it... i feel like i cannot cry anymore because of how much i've cried today... we get in arguments over stupid ass shit and i realize it but its his fault... yes i know everybody says "no its his fault" then he will say "no its her fault" and it will go back and forth, back and forth... but simply he does things to me that he doesn't like to be done to him... for example today i pretty much got pissed off because he was hanging with his bitch ass friend who i hate with a passion... they are suppose to not even be friends anymore... but the point is this boy is the one who influenced him to do what he did... and it wasn't the fact that he was hanging out with him it was the fact that he lied to me... he told me he was going to go home and finish his homework... did he? NO I DON'T FUCKING THINK SO!!! i'm seriously so tired... i feel like i put 110% into this relationship and for what to get disrespected to feel low about myself... i don't think i should be getting treated like this... out of everybody i have never done anything wrong to anybody to deserve how i get treated by him... and it's not just what he did that makes me feel like that... i care for miguel soooo much... i would give anything in the world to be with him and do anything for him... just lately he has been acting like a jackass... everybody keeps telling me "lee dump him you don't need him, look at the mess you are with him"... but when it comes to the bottom line the fact that i love him overcomes everything he puts me through... that's sad to say at my age that i love someone but that's how i feel... i don't know what to say anymore it seems like everything i say everything i do just how i act is wrong... and he keeps saying "babi i love you" but i tell him that his actions talk louder than his words... which is the truth... i also told him i'm tired that when we fight i'm the one cleaning up his messes so i give up and if he wants to fix things then he will be the one to fix things not me because i'm tired... we fight and i always forgive him... he does something once "ok babi i forgive you don't do it again"... does it twice "ok babi i forgive you"... does it three times or more i'm fucking tired... i don't need this... he needs to notice what he is doing wrong... yeah i understand when i first saw him today after school i was pretty ticked off... sooo to not say something and cause an argument i went up to him i told him can i have my bag and i walked off... because that was pretty fucked up that he lied to me... then he told me i was fucked up for acting like that... whatever... i know that that was wrong but im not in the time of the month to be acting all "lets prance around the flower field and hold hands sing ring-around-the-rosey" im not like that right now and i didn't want to say something and make things worse... which i guess i did... but its not like he cares that everything he keeps saying to me keeps hurting me more and making me cry... but i told him and he didn't listen... so i won't repeat myself more than once... and that's my rule... that's my game... that's how i am...


P.S. sorry about my language i'm still very upset...

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